In many communities, children grow up playing together in the same neighborhood. They spend hours pretending to be “parents,” acting like adults, and sharing daily life. Yet when they become adults, many of these boys and girls say they would never marry someone from their childhood area. Boys tend to look for partners from elsewhere, and girls often feel the same.
This raises an important question: Does knowing someone too well from childhood make romantic love difficult?
Anthropologist Edvard Westermarck introduced a theory in 1891 that explains this phenomenon. He argued that children who grow up closely together during early childhood especially before age six develop a natural aversion to seeing each other romantically.
He believed this familiarity leads children to view one another like siblings.
“Westermarck argued that children who grow up side by side develop a natural sexual aversion toward each other, seeing one another more like siblings than future partners.”
Evidence From Kibbutzim Communities
Researcher Joseph Shepher, who studied Israeli kibbutzim where children were raised together in group settings, found similar results. These children almost never formed romantic relationships later in life.
His findings strongly supported Westermarck’s theory.
“In Israeli kibbutzim, children raised in close proximity rarely formed romantic relationships as adults a strong real-world example of the Westermarck Effect.”
Rwandan voices: Childhood friends seen more as siblings
“She Knows Too Much About Me.”
Kwizera Daniel, a 28-year-old chef from Remera, in Gasabo District told Afriwed that he could never marry a woman he grew up with. He said such a woman already knows too many details about his past and would not take him seriously.
“For me, the reason I would not marry a girl I grew up with is that I feel we would clash. She would not give me respect because she has seen me grow up and act openly, and she knows all my stupid things. Honestly, I don’t see it working out.”
Joyce Mbishinzimana, 25, from Kimironko, in Gasabo District also said she cannot imagine marrying a boy she grew up with. She explained that childhood familiarity often lowers respect between boys and girls. She added that, after seeing a boy grow up at home, even bathing as a child, she cannot picture him as a future partner.
“For me, I see him as a sibling, so I don’t have romantic feelings. There is nothing that would make me think about him.”
Experts Say Deep Knowledge Builds Love, Not Breaks It
Although the Westermarck Effect highlights why childhood friends rarely fall in love, relationship experts say that deep knowledge between adults strengthens romance.
Relationship therapist Esther Perel emphasizes the value of emotional understanding.
“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.”
According to her, true intimacy comes from knowing each other honestly, not hiding imperfections.
Philosopher Alain de Botton also believes that love grows through understanding each other’s flaws.
“Love is a skill, not just an enthusiasm.”
He argues that deep knowledge is not a barrier but a tool for building stronger romantic connections.
Even though studies show that childhood closeness often reduces romantic attraction, this does not mean love is impossible. Some couples who grew up together do fall in love later in life. Their relationships can be strong precisely because they understand each other deeply.
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